


Running

by ToxicPineapple



Series: Rantaro Amami Week 2k19 [5]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Arguments, Attempts to reach out, Bad Decisions, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/No Comfort, Not really between Shuichi and Rantaro though, Rantaro Amami Week, Rantaro makes me sad :(, Recklessness, Sleep Deprivation, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, implied romantic feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 19:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20840594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: And Shuichi quickly catches up with him, fiddling with the brim of his hat, but the detective doesn’t say anything right away, and so they fall into an uneasy silence rather quickly. Rantaro wonders distantly if silences are always like this with Shuichi, or if that’s just a result of how he’s feeling at the moment. Is he the only one who feels like this is uncomfortable? Shuichi’s expression is pretty unreadable, and Rantaro really has no idea what might be running through his head right now. It’s anxiety-inducing, and he doesn’t even really get anxiety.So he breaks the silence. “So, uh, what have you been-”“What are you always running from?” Shuichi interrupts him, and the question is not only abrupt but unexpected and Rantaro nearly chokes.---Shuichi's attempt to reach out is met with a brick wall.---Amami week day five: Travel/Blame





	Running

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts:  
Day one (Sept 27): Autumn/Wealth  
Day two (Sept 28): Sail/Bracelet  
Day three (Sept 29): Paint/Breeze  
Day four (Sept 30): Risk/Sunset  
Day five (Oct 01): Travel/Blame  
Day six (Oct 02): Vehicle/Found  
Day seven (Oct 03): Birthday/Smile
> 
> I definitely focused more on the blame aspect of this one :(

When Rantaro hops off the plane, a quick glance at his watch tells him that it’s around six in the morning. He can never sleep properly on airplanes- something about being in a giant metal box with no exits that wouldn’t require falling thousands of feet strapped to a  _ bag  _ makes him feel nervous, surprisingly- so he’s coming back from about nine hours of gazing out the window at all of the clouds and thinking about how nice it would be to be in bed. Or even in a sleeping bag, lying down on his back, and staring up at the stars. Rather than being in the sky where it feels like they’re suddenly so close.

He didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before boarding the plane, either. Not that he was expecting to; he wasn’t, actually, he never sleeps the last night in a relatively new place. It’s hard for him to close his eyes properly knowing that he’s failed. And that’s exactly what happened in Barcelona yesterday, he failed. It doesn’t matter how  _ close  _ he got. He gets close every time. The fact is that he didn’t find Tsubaki, and that’s always going to leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

Anyway, the point is that Rantaro is tired, and it’s six in the morning which means that when he gets back to Hope’s Peak, there’s not going to be enough time for him to take a nap or anything before he has to go to classes. He’d cut his travel time in half if he just took the train or an Uber or something, but… he’s already on edge from the plane and the lack of sleep and just thinking about being in a car right now, or even worse, standing in the crowded subway, people shifting around him on all sides… yeah,  _ no.  _ He’s renting a bike, thanks. And it’s about ten miles so it’s not like it’s a short trip but an hour biking honestly isn’t bad. He’ll be fine.

Rantaro has just enough time for a quick shower when he gets back, because being on a plane always makes him feel gross, forget biking ten miles when he’s already exhausted. He makes the water ice cold so he doesn’t stand a chance of falling asleep because he’s already been awake for what, twenty hours, and he’s about to be awake for like twelve more so he needs the extra energy. When he’s done getting ready (hair blow dried, a touch of makeup to distract from what are probably really ugly bags under hs eyes) he toys with the idea of heading to the dining hall for a cup of coffee but decides against it because there’s not enough time. Classes are about to start. And he’s already been gone for about a week and a half, so he should at least aim to be punctual.

Kokichi shouts out his name when he enters the room and there are some cheerful greetings from his classmates, which is all very kind of them and very appreciated, but other than that people pretty much leave Rantaro alone. Which is nice, sort of, except that he’d much rather be interacting with someone right now than be left to his own devices in his seat, because at least when he’s talking to someone else his mask comes up automatically. Sitting quietly means that he has enough space to act lethargic, and sad, and whatever else he’s been trying to repress for the past hour and a half. His classmates aren’t stupid, they’ll see something is up.

Thankfully, though, Rantaro has a lot of practice.

Honestly, he doesn’t pay any attention any of what the teacher is saying, even remotely. He usually tries to, because he feels bad for missing so much class when he’s actually attending it, but right now he’s still stung by the fact that he came so close to finding Tsubaki and all of it amounted to nothing. The most he can do to lessen that feeling is start planning out his next trip in his head. He knows he just came back, and he’s pretty tired, but Rantaro is pretty sure that if he gets a good rest tonight, he could leave tomorrow afternoon for Bermuda… or maybe somewhere closer would be better? He’s not sure he could handle the Philippines all depressed like this, but Saigon could work. It doesn’t really matter where he goes specifically, so long as he’s somewhere, and doing something. He can’t remain idle for more than a moment or else he’s going to-

“Uhm, Amami?” Rantaro blinks back into awareness and swivels his head over to make eye contact with Shuichi, who has just spoken. The detective is looking at him nervously, his hat obstructing his eyes, and when they make eye contact Rantaro makes sure he smiles in a way that doesn’t betray how scattered he’s feeling right now. (Part of him is sure, though, that Shuichi sees right through his attempt.) “Are you coming?”

“Hm?” He raises an eyebrow, glances at the clock in the corner of the room. “Wow, it’s lunch already? I didn’t even notice.” It’s a bit exaggerated but he manages a self deprecating laugh and has the audacity to feel proud about it. “I must’ve spaced off a bit, I’m sorry.”

“Ah, it’s alright, I was-” Shuichi begins, and Rantaro realises, belatedly, that they’re not the only two who are still in the classroom when the detective is interrupted.

“Apologise to yourself, man, I hear Hanamura or whatever his name is is cooking today!” Kaito beams, throwing an arm around Shuichi’s shoulders. (The detective flushes and covers his face with one hand, which Rantaro politely pretends not to notice.) “I hear his food is great!”

“He’s the Ultimate Cook.” Deadpans Maki, from where she’s standing impatiently by the door, her lips pressed into a thin line. “So I should really hope so.”

“Isn’t he the Ultimate Chef?” Kaede, who appears to have just finished packing up her things, walks over to Maki but stops by the doorway as well, giving a smile that is far more kind than the severe look on the child caregiver’s face.

“No, he’s a cook. He’s just pretentious.” Maki states.

“Uhm…?” Kaede frowns. “What does that have to do with…”

“You know how Yumeno likes being called the Ultimate Mage rather than the Ultimate Magician?” Kaito asks. “It’s like that.”

“No, it’s not.” Kokichi snickers, and Rantaro furrows his brow, wondering just how many of his classmates he hadn’t noticed before. (It seems the only two remaining are Himiko herself and Tenko, though Tenko is completely packed up, just waiting on the magician. Since Shuichi and Kaito are still standing in front of his desk, Rantaro starts quickly picking up his belongings so that they won’t have to wait so long.) “Yumeno is tooootally delusional. Hanamura isn’t crazy, he’s just… okay, he’s a  _ little  _ bit crazy. But that’s not why he likes being called a chef.”

“Take that back, degenerate!” Tenko commands, an angry look on her face. Rantaro feels secondhand fear watching the aikido master interact with Kokichi- though the supreme leader really just looks bored. “Yumeno is a mage!”

“It’s true.” Himiko nods, lips curling into a tired smile, which Rantaro feels deep in his soul.

“If you’re a mage,” Kokichi crosses his arms. “Why don’t you ever just walk places instead of having Chabashira carry you?”

“Tenko offers!” Tenko shrieks, which is mostly true.

“Also, walking is a pain which depletes my mana.” Himiko rests her chin on the desk, as though to prove her point. “I’d rather be carried.”   
  


“Jeez,” Kaito groans, putting a hand on his forehead. “Don’t they ever get tired of squabbling?”   
  


Rantaro really can’t help smiling at that as he slides his bag over his shoulder and starts walking to the door. Kaito and Shuichi join him, so he replies, figuring the astronaut will have an alright time hearing what he’s saying. “I find it a bit ironic that you’d say that since you’re usually engaging in the squabble, Momota.”

“Hey man…” Kaito punches him lightly on the shoulder. A very manly gesture of affection which Rantaro understands and resonates with deep in his very manly soul. “If you ever wanna fight, the offer is always open.”

“I’m down.” Rantaro nods.

“Ugh.” Maki rolls her eyes. “Boys are stupid.”

“You’re right.” Kaede nods. “But Saihara isn’t! He doesn’t do that stuff, right, Saihara?”

Shuichi’s face reddens again and he pulls his hat down over his eyes, perhaps overwhelmed because he was just either directly addressed or touched by two people who he (likely, Rantaro’s not psychic nor is he good at picking up on those types of things) has a crush on within the span of few moments. “N-No, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean Momota and Amami are stupid.”

“Akamastu, you’re going to kill him.” Maki says quietly.

“Huh?” Kaede raises her eyebrows. “How would I kill him?”

Shaking her head, Maki blows a piece of hair out of her face and says nothing.

Rantaro, unwittingly, ends up spacing out again. He figures that he’s going to be brought back into the conversation eventually, and when that happens it’ll be fine, but his mind keeps wandering back to his sisters. It’s not like that’s necessarily uncommon- they’re the topic his thoughts are typically going to settle on if ever there’s a spare moment. Whether or not they could really be called a hyperfixation they’re still his only goal in life. But it’s happening now more than ever.

He really wants to blame the sleep deprivation but honestly he doubts that’s all of it. Had he managed to actually fall asleep on that plane, he’s almost certain he would’ve just fallen straight into a dream about Tsubaki. And the rest of his sisters, for that matter. He’s gone without a full couple days of sleep before. It’s not a problem for him. But right now everything just feels heavy and sore. He doesn’t want to think about it but at the same time he doesn’t feel as though he can stop.

Maybe he should go to Paris next to look for Kasumi? Berlin? Canberra? Canberra is already pushing it (he doesn’t know if heading to Australia right now is the  _ best  _ idea) but it’s more conceivable than San Francisco or New York City, at least. Thinking about it is sort of starting to make his head hurt- or maybe that’s just the exhaustion talking- but he can’t seem to stop. He’s in real need of a distraction right now.

“Amami, are you hungry at all?” Shuichi’s voice cuts into his thoughts again, and it occurs to Rantaro that they’ve arrived in the dining hall. Kaito, Maki, and Kaede have gone ahead to get food, but Shuichi is lingering at the doorway, where Rantaro seems to have stopped. He swallows hard, and notes how good the air smells in here. The food smells rich but not  _ too  _ rich. Well seasoned and well cooked. Pleasant, really, and good. Teruteru clearly knows what he’s doing. (He ought to, being a third year.) But somehow Rantaro finds that he… doesn’t have much of an appetite.

  
“Actually, I think I’m going to head back to my room.” Rantaro makes himself smile, wonders if it looks as much like a barbie doll as he feels like it does. “I don’t have much of an appetite right now and I think it would be good if I started on some homework that I missed.” That’s a lie, though. He’s not planning on doing  _ any  _ homework, at all.

The look Shuichi gives him is searching, and makes him feel uncomfortable, like he’s being exposed in front of the whole student body, but the detective’s grey eyes are curious rather than judgemental. “Can I join you? I ate a large breakfast, so I’m not hungry either.”

To be honest, Rantaro kind of just wants to be  _ alone-  _ but he’s not about to say that to Shuichi. He pulls up another one of those artificial smiles again and nods his head yes, gesturing for the other student to follow him as he turns and starts out of the dining hall. “Sure,” he says, in case his gesture wasn’t clear enough. “That’s fine.”

And Shuichi quickly catches up with him, fiddling with the brim of his hat, but the detective doesn’t say anything right away, and so they fall into an uneasy silence rather quickly. Rantaro wonders distantly if silences are always like this with Shuichi, or if that’s just a result of how he’s feeling at the moment. Is he the only one who feels like this is uncomfortable? Shuichi’s expression is pretty unreadable, and Rantaro really has no idea what might be running through his head right now. It’s anxiety-inducing, and he doesn’t even really get anxiety.

So he breaks the silence. “So, uh, what have you been-”

“What are you always running from?” Shuichi interrupts him, and the question is not only abrupt but unexpected and Rantaro nearly chokes. The detective’s eyes widen, as though that wasn’t exactly what he meant to say, and he tries to backtrack. “I- I mean- I’m sorry, that was completely out of nowhere, I only meant- well- you travel a lot, is all.”

“Does the fact that-” Rantaro observes that his voice is remarkably tight and makes an effort to calm himself down. “Does the fact that I travel a lot mean that I’m necessarily running from something?”

“No.” Shuichi shakes his head. “But I think that’s what it means in  _ your  _ case.” He hesitates, fidgeting with the brim of his cap. “That’s only my surmise, of course, so… you’re welcome to correct me, I just… I feel as though at the very least your situation is a lot more complicated than you’re willing to let on. In a way that’s difficult for you to share with other people. And I’m not saying you need to do that unless you’re ready to, but I do think it’s highly probable that you’re trying really hard not to think about something. You’ve been doing as much all day, at least.”

Rantaro chuckles nervously. “Is this an intervention?”

“Not a planned one.” Shuichi smiles slightly, but averts his gaze. “It’s been on my mind for a while though.”

He needs to be careful with the way that he words this. No one needs to know that he’s (a useless excuse for an older brother) looking for his sisters, that’s nobody’s business but his own, and anyway Shuichi would probably just tell him to give up. Everyone else has, after all. The quickest way would be to be dismissive, and just mean enough to shut Shuichi down, but- Rantaro’s not willing to do that. “I’m not running from anything.” He assures. “There’s not really anything bad going on with me right now, so don’t worry about that. I’m just tired because I didn’t get a lot of sleep on the plane, so I’ve been thinking a lot of nonsensical things all day.”

Shuichi makes a face at him, like he doesn’t believe that for a second.

On second thought, Rantaro might be willing to be mean. “Look, Saihara-”

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Amami, I’m just asking because I don’t think it’s healthy. I, uhm-” he pulls his hat down further, fidgets with one of the buttons on the side. “I used to keep a lot of things to myself because I didn’t want to burden anybody. I still feel that way, and I still don’t talk to people as much as I should. But it’s not good to just keep things inside like that. At least- I think so.”

“You’re absolutely right about that.” Rantaro nods, and he’s being honest, because Shuichi’s definitely right, but he still doesn’t feel tempted or even inclined to talk about his search. “There’s nothing that I’m running from, though. Nothing that I can’t handle, at least,” he adds, because he still feels a little bit guilty about the half lies. “So don’t worry about it, alright?”

Shuichi gives him a long look. “Amami-”

“Listen, if I wanted to talk about it, I would, alright?” He snaps, and then immediately feels bad about it before he even sees Shuichi flinch. “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“No, it-” Shuichi sighs. “It’s alright, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressed. If you say nothing’s wrong then nothing’s wrong.” For some reason hearing him say that is what sounds wrong, but Rantaro doesn’t call attention to it. He just bites the inside of his cheek and keeps his mouth shut, feeling guilt begin to churn in the pit of his stomach. He deliberately made the decision to say something like that so Shuichi would back off, and it’s working as intended, and it feels  _ awful.  _ But he stays quiet because he doesn’t really know what else to say. “Would you like to be alone?”

What a question, honestly. Rantaro doesn’t know what the right answer to that even is but he nods anyway. He could probably use the space to clear his head. (Even if it feels bad seeing Shuichi’s hurt expression as he lets go of his hat and nods, starting to turn and walk away.)

“Uhm, you can always talk to me if you need it,” the detective says, and Rantaro wants to respond,  _ that’s not true,  _ but he doesn’t. “I’ll see you after lunch.”

Rantaro stands in the hallway for a few moments longer after Shuichi disappears around the corner, and then he turns and makes the rest of the trip to the dorms, a bit disoriented from what just happened.

He should get some rest or something, but, well- it doesn’t matter. Rantaro’s head is spinning from the interaction and he doesn’t want to have a spare moment to think about it because he knows if he gets into it the stinging in his eyes is going to turn into something other than just harmless stinging and he’s not really in the mood for it right now, if he’s being honest. When he’s back in his room he pulls out his phone and checks the flights for the next couple hours- there’s a plane to England in about three, and that works just fine, so he buys a ticket and grabs his backpack, still packed from yesterday’s trip to Spain.

As he heads out the door, Rantaro tries his best to tell himself that he’s  _ not  _ running from anything. He was being honest when he said that to Shuichi. He’s got everything under control.

(But he only ever tries his best to tell himself something when he knows that it’s a lie.)

**Author's Note:**

> this made me really depressed like ????? I'm sitting here wondering if I should,,,, idk,, continue it so there can be payoff bc as things are it's just upsetting
> 
> you can consider this as being in the same universe as my Saimami ficlets if you'd like. though it's definitely from before Shuichi and Rantaro start getting closer. I never really got into how things were between them before Rantaro told Shuichi about his sisters, after all.
> 
> writing this I felt really bad and I still feel bad about it :( I'm a weak lil baby so I think I'll definitely continue it and add some comfort
> 
> anywayyy bye


End file.
